Energy at 1am is not fun. Nope. Nope. Nope. Sleeep. I demand sleep! Brain: nahh. Okay!
Okay. Okay. Calmmm. Calmm. Calm. Phew.
So anyway usually I don’t blog this stuff on my main blog and leave it all for my actual private vent blog, but for once I figured “shit, it’s nothing sad or too personal sooo why not actually let my followers know what’s going on?” So here is a test run to how it goes on venting to you all..
Hm, where to begin besides as stated before it is 1am and I have way to much energy. Mentally that is, physically I’ve been sick all day. Any-who~ how is everyone? Lately things have been actually looking up for me. You see though its pretty obvious on my blog from what I’ve posted for years that I’m attracted to women (bisexual to be specific) I’ve hidden this side of myself for years.. 6 years to be specific. Close friends of mine know, but not my parents because you see my older half sister (Dad’s kid) is and years ago when she came out, Dad shunned her for wanting to marry a girl. So for years I’ve had this fear of how my parents would react if I ever told them I like girls. I mean it’s not as big of news as getting married like Stephanie had announced, but its still a huge step in my life and event to my parents. So recently my older sister got brought up between my mom and I where we had a discussion on if Stephanie had been her daughter how she personally would have reacted. In the end of our 5 hour conversation to sum it all up I discovered that though she would have been beyond upset and taken awhile to process it all, she still would have loved her and treated her the same as she had before because she’d prefer to know who her child really is then to have secrets between them blocking her from fully being herself with mom.
Which got me to thinking… if she’d be that way with Stephanie, what would honestly be the difference with me? Yes, she’ll be upset at first but the fact is I’ve told her things growing up about myself way bigger of situations and she’s always loved me no matter what after that. So though it’ll be a rough journey at first, I believe in the end it’ll be worth it. To finally no longer have to hide who I truly am. To finally and fully be myself. On top of that hiding who you are has so many problems it brings already like the fact that months ago I really liked this girl.. a lot.. to be exact I had been slowly falling for her just from her personality as being friends for a long time including when I was with my ex near the end when things got bad mainly after the break up..the fact is because I let that barrier of just saying “Hey, I like girls” be the obstacle from dating her it made me lose an incredible chance to date someone who I truly found amazing. Now, here we are months into the future and there’s a girl I’m beginning to like a lot. I would hate to have the same situation happen again, begin to fall then quickly run away hurting two people in the process (her and myself) . I’m tired of living the “what ifs” in life. I believe its time to show who I really am and go for the things I really want in life no longer letting the fears and opinions of others be the obstacle that holds me back. Yes, it will be hard at first and I will be terrified of what mom will think and what people will say, think, or do. The point is it’s been hard enough already for the past 6 years having to keep my mouth shut, having to hide parts of me that have wanted to shine through.
So.. if things keep going the way they’ve been.. if I keep liking her and end up dating her.. I’ll wait a bit.. then I’ll tell mom and later on my father. In the meantime getting used to the public and friends. It’ll be scary, my anxiety will probably be crazy, but it’s a new adventure and guys… I think its time that I began to be true to myself. This is my year to start a new adventure, the adventure of no longer being ashamed of who I am. I’ve learned to accept myself slowly over time and now it’s time that hopefully the ones who matter, whom I love will accept me also.
Wish me luck..
Love, Hannah.
Ps. If there have been things you’ve been hiding why not make this your year too? (Just a thought…)
Pps. Never let Hannah vent again at 1am she talks forever and gets into some deep shit, man. O.o
